Posted by: davidalemmink | May 1, 2010

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Today is Wednesday, April 28.  Seven and a half months has passed and I still spend so much time missing David.  The missing never ends.  Our lives go on day to day and that missing just never stops.  So many times, I think “oh when I get home, I will tell David………”  And of course, that cannot happen.

The sadness is another thing.  I am sad.  Every day.  I don’t know how to get out of the sad.  So many days of sadness.  I so much want to not be sad anymore, but it just won’t go away.  I can have a day or two where I am just going along,  living life, and then the sad comes back, full force.  I find the silliest things will trigger it.  Listening to songs on the car radio that I programmed into my Ipod.  Songs that David brought into my life with his love of music.  Songs that have been a part of us for so long and now are mine alone.  Getting in the car and seeing his reading glasses.  I don’t have the heart to remove them.  I am driving his car and his glasses belong there.  That makes me sad but it brings him right back, makes him feel close again, and I like that.

I so often think “it’s just not fair!!!”  Why? Why did this happen? I know God has a plan, but I just do not understand.  I doubt I ever will.

And the loneliness.  When you have been together for such a long time, it is so lonely to be just one.  I have Charlie, Angela, Elisabeth and John, and I thank God for them, but it is just not the same.  Sharing with David, the daily joys, trials and tribulations of life is gone and I so miss that.

We have been so busy.  I plan our busy-ness.  I plan lots of activities for John and me so we can not just sit home and be lonely and sad and missing David.  John is in scouts, which is almost like a full time job in itself.  He took an art class this spring, and also a swimming class.  He has Greek School and he was in Teen Bible Challenge which helped to fill our week.  I recently joined a woman’s softball team with my niece Chris and a lively, fun bunch of women.  It really is fun, and it would make David laugh to think that I am playing softball.  That was one of the activities he was participating in when we first met, way back in 1980. That makes me smile AND cry all at the same time.

Life is going on, but I will tell you that it is hard.  Hard every day.  So hard.  The tears flow at the drop of a hat and very often.  I wish they could stop, and I guess I know they will someday, but not now.  Not soon.

Each day brings its own challenges and we hope to be able to meet them.  Some days are better than others.  I thank God for the time we had and pray that it will get easier.

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Responses

  1. I feel the same way….always missing Dad, and wishing i could tell him something, or ask him a question, or get a hug from him. It still doesn’t seem real. We all experienced that whole nightmare of being in hospice and having to say good-bye, but sometimes i still think i’ll wake up and things will be happy and normal. But, i am thankful for our family, and even though nothing will ever be the same we will get through it together. Love you

  2. I am glad you kept writing. It is ok. It doesn’t have to end. It doesn’t have to have a last post..it can just go on and be there, to read, remember or share. It is a mini epic, odyssey a point in time love story….that goes on and on.
    Love ya Connie. Our prayers are with you…often.

  3. I love this post. It is so honest. I love you! You are an amazing woman. I am impressed with the way you are dealing with such a great loss.


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